Only in the Bush

When I was three years old I saw God. It was no big deal. Mom said God was all around us and one day we'd see him in Heaven. I guess God couldn't wait that long and I got to see him in the park.

It was a bright day, no clouds in the sky, which I guess makes sense 'cause I'd always heard that God liked to travel on beams of light. Anyway, I was in the park playing in the sandbox. I was trying to dig my way to China, or maybe I was burying one of my sibling's toys. I don't really remember all of the details; like I said, I was three. So I was playing in the sand, minding my own business when God came out of nowhere. He picked me up and ran into the woods. I wasn't scared, though, because Mom always told me that God loves everyone, and that God especially loves me.

While he was running with me he said, "Don't worry, I'll see you again in ten years."

I wanted to ask him why he didn't have any clothes on, all of the pictures in our house had him in flowing robes and stuff, but before I could he threw me into a bush. I began crying and my mom heard me and came and found me. She asked why I'd wandered so far and why I was crying. I told her what happened but she didn't believe that it was God. I didn't understand why. She always told me that she believed in him.

When I was thirteen I saw God again. I was in the park with some of my friends. We were out in the trees. My friend Jimmy said he'd found a cool new thing to do. So a couple of us followed him and he showed us our first joint. At least it was the first one I'd ever seen. He showed us that you were supposed to smoke it, and he let us know that the coughing was actually a good thing. So he let us try it and we were coughing and complaining about how he'd just had to choose a place near a nest of skunks. He just told us that we'd begin to enjoy the smell after a while. Then all of my friends began to giggle and I couldn't tell what they were giggling about. Then I started laughing too, I made sure not to giggle like the other guys, though. Then all of a sudden some guy came and picked me up and ran off with me.

I looked at him and said, "You don't need to carry me you know, I can walk." I was glad that he had clothes on this time, but I thought the business suit looked a little wierd. He just smiled and kept on running.

"I'll see you again in ten years," he said.

Then he threw me into a bush again. It might have been the same one, I don't remember. It sure felt like the same bush.

"What a jerk," I said to myself.

Sometimes I talk to myself, like right now. Some people call me weird but I prefer unique. I decided I was gonna give him a piece of my mind the next time I saw him. I went to go find my friends and I told them what God just did to me. They just laughed at me, well, I laughed a little too. I was gonna have to ask my mom more about this whole joint thing, and especially why she'd never told me about it before. I figured she would like it too.

When I was twenty-three I saw God again. The park had been cemented over and turned into a shopping center. I was at the bar, having a good time at Jimmy's bachelor party. Drinking, strippers, it was turning out to be a lot of fun. My mom was so wrong about that. Well I went outside to smoke a cigarette. Before I could even light up, though, God had picked me up and ran off with me. I was fuming. It was time that I finally gave him a piece of my mind. Before I could, though, he spoke again.

"I'll see you again in ten years." Then he threw me into a bush again.

I saw him running off, all dressed like a cowboy and I yelled after him, "I'm gonna kick your ass the next time you throw me into a bush." It made me feel better to yell at God. Mom always said he worked in mysterious ways, but I thought that this was getting a little bit ridiculous.

Now I'm thirty-three. It's been ten years to the day since I last saw him. I found the bush he threw me into last time, and maybe both times before. I decided that rather than having him throw me into the bush that I would just wait for him there. He finally showed up and he didn't look very happy.

"What are you doing in that bush?" he asked.

"Well I figured you must've wanted me to be in this bush for some reason or another, plus it hurts whenever you throw me in, so I thought I'd save you the trouble. By the way, why are you all dressed like a Buddhist monk?"

"Get out of the Bush," he said. Mom taught me to obey God's commandments, at that had sure sounded like a command to me. As soon as I got out of that bush God picked me and ran around the block.

"Why?" I asked.

"Why what?" God asked me right back.

"Why do you keep throwing me into this bush?" I asked.

"Because it's fun," God said and ran off.


I don't know why, but I thought it was kind of funny.